I am writing this entry before I’ve even finished the website. This website has been the cause of multiple crash-outs. There have been times when I’ve clicked one button that deleted all my progress, and I couldn’t get any of it back. I’m currently lying down in the spa feeling blissful. 2 hours of 0 signal. Silence to me feels like I’m forcing myself into therapy. Sat here with no distractions, with no other option but to sit and think about everything and anything that’s happening in my life right at this moment; even things from my past and future… It doesn’t even exist, yet it’s taking up my time. I mean, technically, it does exist, but that conversation will be too much for my relaxing spa session.

While I’ve been thinking, I’ve come to the conclusion that situationships, as we call them, actually do take up so much of our time throughout life. Not just being in them, but the process of analysing and rethinking them over and over again. What if I did this differently? What if they did that differently? And then it gets into a deeper part of where I almost can’t remember it because all the past blurs into one, which makes me think: what’s the point of being in situationships? Why do we spend so much time on it, for it to be a blur of our past, or for it to cause mental distress and take up half our overthinking time? It would be sooo much better if Mr or Mrs Right came over and just got on one knee. But maybe I’m just built to be alone. I love my own time too much and am too self-critical at the moment to be able to fully accept someone. How long will that last? … Probably an hour, because why is it that our thoughts are so conflicting? Sometimes we’re like “YES, I’m so independent, I love being alone”, and then other times we crave that love and let’s be honest, attention from someone else.

The balance is tormenting as we never truly know what it is we want. I say “we” as I’m hoping it isn’t just me. So I asked people who are in relationships. Was there ever a time you thought you preferred being alone? I asked a girl who’s been in a relationship for over a year and couldn’t imagine her any other way. She told me that before she met him, she was actually in a phase where she only wanted to focus on her business and her personal goals, and then she just met him, and he just naturally blended into her life. Key point: She wasn’t looking for anyone and was in the mental space where she wasn’t really thinking of relationships. Interesting. So I wonder if when we feel like we’d rather focus on us, that’s the prime time to naturally bump into someone, and then when we’re too focused on finding Mr or Mrs Right, we just push it all away. I feel like everyone says this, but maybe they’re on to something. I don’t know, today is a “I can’t be bothered with anyone but myself and my platonics” kind of day. Give me 10 cats and a farm with an apartment in the city too, and I’ll be happy. best of both worlds.

Side note, my friend and I prefer being alone, but we have no hoes.

17.04.2026